We Didn’t Invite You…You’re Just Too Busy
June 5, 2007
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A fellow Start Up Princess and friend wrote me recently to share that that her friends have stopped dropping by and inviting her to do things with her children saying, “We didn’t invite you…you’re just too busy!”
She writes, It is true that I am insanely busy, and truly, I can’t do those things all the time, there’s just no way! And I have to admit, it is a pain in the rear when people randomly stop by unannounced. But at the same time, I DO still want to be invi
ted. I am still a person who needs interaction with friends. I need adult conversation in general, not to mention a break!
I wonder if this is a dilemma for a lot of mom entrepreneurs. Sometimes we exclude ourselves without even trying and before we know it, everyone thinks we are unapproachable and “too busy.” It can feel pretty lonely. We are all trying to figure out how to keep our families first, let alone keep our friends too.
Good point! Here’s my reply:
First of all, I have to say that this particular Start Up Princess is quite the “life of the party” and fun to be around…so not to worry! While she may have to decrease her party attendance, when she’s there…everyone will enjoy her company as I do!! 
I think it’s a matter of articulating when/how we can hang out and what the right balance will be for family-friends-life-start up. I do have to say that over the course of the last 3 years since I’ve embarked on entrepreneurship, my best friends have become fellow entrepreneurs, so usually we are all in the same boat–BUSY, but we understand and when we do get together, we make it count!!
I certainly don’t have all the answers…and one of my dear friends told me that I was “too busy for her” recently and it stung my heart deeply, so I apologized and we had a good heart to heart…I told her how much I appreciated her and wanted to spend more time with her and we are trying to schedule a lunch date soon. While I have a lot to learn still, here’s a list of what DOES seem to be working for me:
- We go on a lot of walks and I run each day around my neighborhood; if friends are outside, often I stop and chat for a moment to catch up
- While I don’t have a lot of energy/time to do scheduled playdates for my kids, we live in a neighborhood where things are casual and kids tend to come/and go a lot so I touch base with the moms of my kids’ friends (whom are also my friends)
- I am in a weekly field trip group for the summer with a good friend and her kids which assures some weekly chat time
- I make new friends/socialize with other moms at the pool, park, etc. when we are there.
- I try to plan monthly “get togethers” (many of them I see at Start Up Princess networking events!) I call my friends and schedule a dinner or have them meet me at an event and sit next to them or drive with them there when possible.
- I also call my friends while I’m driving a lot.
- Sundays also seem to be good days for visiting with family and friends
- Schedule with busy friends on email and request that you get together at a time that will work for everyone
- Once you commit to be at an event, try super hard to be there (barring injury, illness, etc.) so that they know you value and make their friendship a priority
Today’s Magic Wand: Assess a relationship this week, if you have been giving off the “I’m too busy vibe” then schedule a lunch date, call them out of the blue, bring them a flower, whatever you feel you need to do to express sincere appreciation. (And if I’ve learned anything these past months is that scheduling time for breaks, getaways, vacations, is an absolute MUST for entrepreneurs! so take the day off and go play with a friend!)
I realized something with several of my friends and even family members…they get kind of tired of hearing about our businesses (or non-profits, or projects, or whatever). It sometimes repels them and makes them feel inferior. I think we should let THEM bring it up, or only share the most exciting things every so often so they don’t get sick of hearing about stuff so regularly.
Also, if we can’t get together with a friend because we are “too busy” perhaps we should just not mention WHY we are busy. Instead of saying: “Oh, I’m sorry I can’t go to the park with you guys, I’ve got so many phone calls to make and inventory to go through, and as it is I don’t have enough time,” we could say something like: “I would LOVE to go with you guys, but I can’t make it today. Can I plan on going with you next week, I’ve really been wanting to go? Thanks for calling me and asking.”
Another thing that has dawned on me is that we don’t have to talk about all the things we do and how busy we are for the sake of sounding important, intelligent, or like a “go-getter,” or like we are so innovative (sp?) and exceptional or for the sake of promoting what we are working on. I mean we all are all of those things (LOL) but do we want others to feel less about themselves when they are around us? NO! They have their talents and amazing qualities too.
But I do miss hanging out with other moms, getting invited to little social things, and the simple life in general.
This might sound simple, but I never work Saturday night. No mail deadline the next day– so every Saturday I take off. It is fun to have that one day a week to spend entirely with friends and family. I look forward to it, and it is nice to not be busy for a night and just relax.
SUP Deb-Hi there, great comments and I think you are wise about your approach with your friends and family. We’re all learning and I think there are friends/acquaintances/family that are more interested than others about what we do, so being aware where they are coming from is key.
SUP Jamie-great to see your comment and yes! Take time off on the weekends..I always take Friday night and Sundays off. Smart, we all need R&R.
Many of my friends don’t understand exactly HOW time consuming running a business is for me. I get invited to go to IKEA with friends and all I can think about is how many hours it will take. Or lunch dates in Orem that take 50 minutes of driving plus another hour for eating…
I keep a polite “excuse list” handy for those no-can-do’s.
What works for me is to be sure to show up when the event is close by, shorter and easy to duck-out-of. Like lunch at a friends house in the neighborhood. Or play date next door. Show up for the easy stuff, and I can get away with missing the half-day events.
Also, I’m a huge believer in exercising with friends. I get fresh air outside (which I HAVE to do everyday!), get to blab for an hour, and get my exercise all in one concise, multi-tasked hour of bliss!
Fairy Godmother Erika, I’m with you on the “short & easy” events, I like the idea of exercising with friends…I’ll be running my first 10k and have a few friends who say they are going to train with me, but no such luck yet…we’ll see.
Maybe after your baby comes I’ll try an tri-athalon (now THATS a BIG dream) with YOU!
What a great post. So true is so many ways (as I recognize I’m way behind in my blog reading). I’m definitely invited to less things now because I always busy when they did ask. As a single Mom too, I find that between my kids and the business, it’s even harder to have a social life. I literally go through phases when I schedule social time in my life because I feel the void. But as soon as another major item with work needs to happen, that schedule time gets lost and buried until I make it a priority again (which really should happen sooner). I really like your phrasing Deborah of declining but showing how much you’d like to be able to.
I need a boot camp type friend. Who won’t accept no for an answer and makes me get out, lol.
Lisa, sounds like you and I both need “once-in-a-while” friends who don’t mind just getting together here and there. As for the rest of you, sounds like you are doing fine with meeting up with your friends at parks or during exercising or just gabbing with people in your neighborhood. Makes me think that I DO need to get out more and that I am quite the hermit.
Today I had a major freek-out breakdown/outburst with my 5 year old (by the way, I am pregnant with our 5th)when she was giving me a hard time. This was an over-the-top freek-out and I know it had more to do with my stress levels and lack of “breaks” than what my daughter was actually doing. So pacing ourselves and creating social time is a definite need for us moms–along with some tranquilizers too, eh LOL? Oh, and a massage wouldn’t hurt either!