How to Keep Your Marriage Strong while Running a Small Business
May 4, 2008
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If you are in business for yourself chances are good that you enjoy what you do, at least we hope that you do because after all, you got yourself into it. If you are married, chances are good that you love your spouse; at least we hope that you do, again, you got yourself into it. So what happens when you try to mix two loves ”your business and your marriage” can they survive?
I believe the answer to be a resounding, yet qualified, YES. However, to effectively get to the “ye
s” there are going to be two “knows” you will have to be willing to hear first:
Know your spouse. People are about as varied as the businesses that cater to them. What type of person are you married to? Do they enjoy business as much as you do? Do they enjoy talking with you about your business? Do they support you and get excited to hear about your goals and visions in the area of business? If the answer is yes, this road will likely be much smoother because they will be willing to walk down it with you and perhaps even help pave the way for you. I am blessed to have a husband that not only enjoys the subject of business but has had a few of them himself and is happy to discuss the topic with me at great lengths. Not everyone is like this, if my husband didn’t enjoy discussing business, I would have to be willing to find another source of support for this area and focus on the areas that he is equipped to help me with without expecting him to give more than he is able.
Know yourself. Are you able to be sensitive to the needs of your spouse and perspective to their feelings even when you are wrapped up in your work? Will you notice if they are starting to feel neglected and unappreciated? Do you notice when they put in extra effort to help you meet a deadline? This past weekend my husband helped me from 9:00-12:00AM organizing my inventory. This was a selfless act of love on his part. I am blessed that we both love to organize but my passion and drive to do this was my business, whereas his drive was his desire to show me love. Looking back, I can see that although I told him thank you and was really thankful for his help, I likely didn’t express this nearly as clearly as I should have. The night we were working was very cold as was the shop we were working in. It was wonderful to have him out there with me rather than to be working alone. It made my job not only faster but much more enjoyable. He could have been choosing to do any one of a number of things but choosing to help me meant a lot. Later I made a point to tell him how much it meant to me.
Ok on to our Yes:
Say Yes to Communication. Be willing to discuss your business and how you both feel about it and do this regularly. Be honest and upfront and encourage your spouse to do the same. Don’t assume that just because they were excited about your business when you started that their enthusiasm will not waiver down the road. The beauty of a good marriage is they way you can give and take support when needed and hopefully you are able to be strong for each other at the times needed most in your business.
Say Yes to Time Together. If you have kids you likely know how helpful it can be to enjoy a date night with your spouse alone. You both need time away from your business as well. Decide together what activities you can enjoy together that doesn’t involve your business. Plan how often you would like to enjoy these activities together and make a point to do it.
Say Yes to Saying No. Part of being a successful business owner is knowing when to delegate. This can often be one of the hardest steps to take early on as we all know that no one can run your business as good as you can. The same can also be true of your marriage however as no one can be as good of a spouse to your mate as you can. You can always find another employee if the first one doesn’t work out. The same cannot be said of your spouse so be smart enough to recognize when you begin to need help from others to run your business successfully and do it!
I believe that business owners have the chance to dip into the best of both worlds: business and pleasure; they simply need to do so knowing how those steps affect those they love. Keep an open mind and tuned ear toward your most important business partner and you will both find the success to be sweeter than imagined because it is shared.
Today’s Magical Wisdom provided by Fairy Godmother Heather Ledeboer, Founder of Mom4Life, highly successful e-commerce site for gear dedicated to support you through pregnancy and the first years of life.
Great points. I agree its possible to keep your marriage strong while owning a business and would even argue there are many ways that it can create greater depth to your relationship. I am fortunate to have a husband that is a business owner like me and I think one of the hardest yet most important things in our situation is to be sensitive to each other’s successes and hardships in spite of our own. As every business owner knows, you lead a rollercoaster of a life. So when one business has had a challenging day or week and the other amazing, we have to be sure to “know ourselves” and “know our spouse” well enough to understand which deserves the family’s priority on any given day. We also have to pay extra special attention to saying yes to together time where our discussions about business become limited or non-existent.
How this newsletter came at a very important time for me. I know that I am challenged with this. I think to myself if only there were more “Debbies’” to do this and that. But, the true secret is learning how to say “yes” to saying “no” and remember to put first things first and that is family and my sweet hubby. And when I find myself doing that everything falls into place magically.
Great article. I was nodding my head in agreement the entire time, until I got to the “hiring out” part. I know I need this, yet I resist. For some reason, this has always been a struggle. I currently have one employee, but find myself not really giving them entire projects, just pieces…ultimately at the end of the day it is hard to give up that control fully. Knowing I need to let go and actually doing it are two different things.
I also notice that the time I spend with my husband is not as compromised as the “quality of me” when I work too much. It is hard for me to head to work when my family is playing and spending time together. I feel like I am missing out, so instead I wait until their bedtime to start working. By the time 3-4 am rolls around and I finally head to bed, I am exhausted. Trying to be functional, awake, and full of cheer the next day has lead to many days of feeling completely burnt out, which I think can be just as detrimental as letting the actual “working time” crowd in.
I love what you said about working together, though. Even reading your post has brought me back to many times my husband has helped me frantically trying to beat the mail truck. It certainly is more fun to do together, and maybe I just gave the solution to my own problem:-)
Thanks for the excellent post!
I think that Heather’s article is right on. My husband and I have been working together in business for 13 years. One thing that was great for us, was to be evaluated by an independent person, who was trying to sell us a franchise, and he gave us a personality test. My husband and I each found out what our strengths and weaknesses were. It helps in that we can each focus on the part of the business that we excell in, and not always expect our spouse to do things the way that we would do them.
Great comments ladies, thanks so much! Isn’t it nice to see we all are in the same boat too? I really can’t imagine not having a supportive spouse, I am so blessed. Thanks so much for your feedback and I am glad you enjoyed the article.
My husband and I have been a work at home team now since 2003; I build sites/write books and he builds all the tools I need for the behind-the-scenes techie things.
One thing that helps us is to always say things in terms of “I” - ie, “I feel that…” instead of “you make me feel that” etc. Taking ownership of emotions/feelings is very useful for getting rid of emotional angst.
Data points,
Barbara
Barbara Lings last blog post..How kids can make money on the Internet online - The beginning of the experiment
I love this post, Heather! It is good to learn that so many of you have such supportive husbands. One thing I have found is that husbands are not ALWAYS crazy about our business ideas and plans. Nor are they ALWAYS supportive. Sometimes husbands and wives just think differently and clash. Sometimes husbands forget that in addition to running a business, many of us are also full-time mommies who are running themselves ragged. And I hate to say it, but yes, sometimes we succeed IN SPITE of our husbands…do you know what I mean? My husband supports what I do, but there are times when he’s tired of listening to another “big idea” or “big plan.” That can feel lonely. A few things I have learned are to make sure to talk about other things besides my work whenever we go on a date. I have also learned that he feels included and important if I ask for his opinion or advice on an important matter. I also agree that we need to keep our husbands and children FIRST, not our work.
Great points Deborah, thank you!